manic adjacent
Would you choose to live this life over again? I can’t say that I would. Already I’ve tried to escape this one. I want to appreciate this life I’ve been given but lately I’ve been dwelling on the pain it’s brought me. They say life happens for you not to you and I’ve taken that with a grain of salt for taste. The good times that have produces known joy I just can’t seem to remember as of late. However, I do remember times thinking, fuck, I wish life was like this all the time. But it’s not, and that all feels so distant sometimes. My thoughts and emotions that ebb and flow bring along joy, I know that is true. Yet they often conjure distress and distraction and of course mental distortion. I feel as if all of the parameters I have set in my head keep me from wandering too far off. Are they or were they all walls and pillars? Or are they cities made of sand that soon crumble and dissipate as if they never existed and all of the contradictions I had to live with before are set free. I’v always been attracted to irony, contradictions and dark things like cemeteries and Sylvia Plath, near knowing that the innate duality waits with bated breath far off in the sea of my mind and will come for me one day. When it did come, was I really set free?
I’m so aware that there’s so many thoughts I haven’t thought yet. Grains of ideas and inspirations and epiphanies I want to think twice. So many vowels and consonants waiting to be strung together but they’re out there, in that same sea, edging on the waves. So when I’m finally left to my own devices, I am free to go and think them, to go and find them. I wish now I could remember them all and although I can’t it’s the only time I’ve felt intelligent, tangible, real and alive. That irony I mentioned earlier, it’s here too, because I am also so constrained because no one who surrounds me can go to that place of thought and they rarely can comprehend it when I try to explain. But oh! How beautiful it is I can for a short while until my own familiar friend comes to. lay me down. Until then I’m moving in “fast forward” and everyone around me who is speaking are faded figures, blurred in the background. I know you’re trying to stop me but I can’t even hear you. The duality of my identity, the polarity of it all makes sense to me and doesn’t at all. But I find it to be beautiful. It brings intense intelligence and creativity. It gives me empathy and the incapability to judge another. It promotes my already fierce loyalty and respect for those I choose to love. Contradicting ideas that exist so harmoniously.
I need no one but require everyone at the same time.
Feeling closer to God, feeing as if I am one yet rendered powerless.
Feeling found but so lost and incapable of remembering the date.
Would kill for love, but won’t die for it.
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