Personal Essays

Where are you going? My old flame, please don’t stray too far from me, your creator. Or am I? My suffering, much like a child it is. In a sense, it came from me, I created it but does it nurture me or do I nurture it? In many ways it’s the only thing I have that is truly mine, it belongs to me. And much like a child it has drained me of resources, energy and identity. Yet I did create it. What remains in the absence of suffering? You might say, oh! Happiness! I however am con

I was bored, that’s why I did that I was bored so finally texted you back I was simply bored so I indulged you in bed But that was also boring - why did I do that? I performed for you and that was fun for Me I made you laugh I made you feel bad for Me I made you leave It’s all manipulation, and that too, was fun for Me Who knew? Who knew that being bored could be so fun? I realized I don’t like you I’m too good for you I realized I liked you, only because you liked me They sa

Fake it ‘til you make it. That’s what they say, isn’t it? "Kailyn, turn your empathy button on." That’s what my mother used to tell me. Maybe if I feigned empathy it would come to me. So I performed it until it became muscle memory. I studied emotion as if it was a foreign language. Some people learned etiquette and manners from a young age, and I did as well so when it came to empathy, I watched people closely. Mirroring appropriate pauses, softening my voice at the right mo

It happens in dark hallways. It happens in the car and at the beach too. I felt it in Paris, in Greece and San Francisco with you and you and you. It’s a feeling, a sensation that used to have a name but these days I can’t blame it on a diagnosis, my parents or heartbreak; I’m just like this. A tourist in my own life who is perpetually searching for a tour guide. I merely feel like a visitor who is afraid of the water but not death, yet I am still amazed that we can see the m

If I follow the notion that we live in a simulation, which I often do these days then it would be obvious and expected that I am in control of my fate. Perhaps that’s contradictory because fate has no place in a simulation I suppose. Nonetheless it would be ideal that my actions would ultimately lead to favorable outcomes however I’m still trying to work that part out. What interests me isn’t whether we’re living in a simulation. It’s why I want it to be true. If nothing els